Cooked lunch, chilly weather, poolside lazing, sleeping off my afternoon away.

Rejuvenating sunday.

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So casually I’ve updated my facebook status to “STUPID BOYFRIEND SAYS GO ON DUTCH FOR OUR FIFTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!! Stupid!” and it has created a whole lot of commotion. Maybe I’ve asked for the commotion myself, but it didn’t even occurred to me that it would turn out this way since it was a really light hearted conversation between Jon and I. We even laughed over it together. Another of our silly couple bickerings as usual. Things that keep us happy together.

But for those who took it seriously, and thinks that I may just be another dumb girl who wants her boyfriend to settle the tab during meals (or our anniversary for that matter), I won’t bother explaining because we both know how much I am forking out for the long term commitments we’ve both laid out for the next few years till Jon gets a job and I am not even complaining. If I say I am not pissed at the comments with people questioning me about “what’s wrong with going on dutch” and trying to teach me some morals (or whatever you call it) about what is right, I am lying. It annoyed me because these people don’t know us (Jon & I) – how we are like together, to disturb and bully each other – to even try to lecture and teach us. It wasn’t even serious to start with, and it becomes quite a joke to see people getting all serious about it. I really didn’t care if people wanna debate about gender equality using this, but if it gets personal then I am not gonna sit there and let you spill your words and letting them get by like this.

And I admit I feel terribly sorry when people commented that Jon’s dumb/unromantic/insensitive, because it is none of the above in the scenario mentioned. So for people who insulted my boyfriend, please eat back your words. He is more generous with his love than you can have ever imagined. It’s funny how hardly anyone says how sweet he is when he does, but when something so casual that we said could deem him like this and me as - probably – materialistic.

I don’t need and won’t bother to try changing your impression of me/my boyfriend, because we’re nothing like you think and I can just say it is shallow. People are just blind this way.

P.S: If this offended you, I am sorry but it pissed me off when I as read through (again) the words that people said.
P.P.S: I may not be a smart person, but I definitely know how to be a right person.
P.P.P.S: Comments off because I don’t want more unnecessary lectures, and I seriously don’t want to explain any further.
P.P.P.P.S:  Let me see if I’d delete this entry tmr morning and see if this entire chunk was written out of anger and shan’t appear on the surface ever.

Face without makeup. Sunglasses from Rayban, lazy top from Cotton On.
(Not seen: Leggings from SoHo, NY. Grunge bracelet from Far East Plaza, Bag from Crumpler, Slippers from Havaianas)

A lazy Monday: Lunch with Soulmate, followed by $15 (promotional) face spa together at Sanctuary Beauty. Love the steam bath session together where we had some girly heart to heart talk in the midst of detoxing. Good facial services despite it being only at $15 and the skincare addict, as usual, decided to sign on a package with this beauty salon since it’s cheaper than the one I currently frequent anyway. Only with more services offered. Dinner with Matt after so long, and it was just good catching up on each other’s lives over a meal and some desserts. Bickered with Jon, and a few hours later we are back at where we were without doing much. A matured relationship gets rather amazing. Back home early and I packed my desk.

A lazy Monday. Glorious lazy day.

Wrote a chunk and deleted it all. Nothing I write makes sense and it kills me to know that there are so much thoughts going through me and I can get nothing out. It’s always the case and I can’t bottle up my feelings/thoughts to myself. Maybe I am more expressive with what I think and feel, but maybe I was just incapable of controlling my emotions and I just needed someone to help me with it.

Woke up feeling like someone I never knew. It felt strong, but I didn’t like it. Went through the day like nothing could tear me down, but it was empty. The feeling of just getting through the day without anything. Literally nothing, and only emptiness exist. It was as though I wasn’t worthy of any good, or even I deserve anything because I can’t seem to give my best or at least the best to what people may wish. Like there was nothing for me to look forward to. I had nothing.

I’ve tried learning how to let go of things that hurts me, but somehow I gave it a way to get back and kill me. When I think of how upset it makes me, it hurts. Then I realised that it didn’t hurt that bad anymore. It was like my heart lost has already lost its ability to break.

I’d rather wake up feeling weak, and knowing that there’s someone out there that will do all it takes to fight for me. And makes me feel that I am worth fighting for.

I just need something comforting to bring me back to where I was. The feeling of being lost just kills me.